I got your message, although very brief and small, but I could feel the copious emotions immersed in those two lines. Even in the short talk we had before that, over the phone, you were not succinct in what you wanted to say. Well, even if that wasn’t so, you have always held and will always hold a revered position in my heart, and that impels me to pour few thoughts down on the paper and gladly share them with you.
As you already have experienced, and by now you must be knowing that life works in a mysterious way and often it his hard to comprehend the myriad of little nuances it makes us face. No matter what we feel about it, sooner or later everyone acquiesces in what they get. Its not unfair, it can’t possibly be unfair, because we as a human oscillate between emotions and oodles of happy and sad moments. Every small moment leads to something that justifies, ‘life can’t possibly be unfair’. Well some would strongly object to that by citing the phenomenon of birth, and how one is vulnerable to this idea which leaves no choice at all. Well it certainly looks like everybody gets dealt with certain cards and one has to play with them. But I’ve come up with an explanation where the phenomenon doesn’t starts from birth. I don’t know how carefully you read my last letter, but I quite comprehensively gave an explanation about the pre-destined life. However, I also talked about how one has an ability to go forth and fight for what he thinks he rightfully deserves. I won’t go into all that again, I hope you would read that letter again or have someone cite it out to you, as I know you are not good in hindi. Anyways, I’ll come back to you and me!
What beautiful time we have shared together, isn’t it Ashu? And I’m certain that we will make more memories together, as long as we live. I don’t know how you took my decision, when I told you that I don’t want to tie myself to one place and want to travel and write. Probably you thought, like always, that it is an impulsive decision and sooner or later I’ll return to start again afresh. I don’t know whether you heeded the calm solemn progression with which I proclaimed my plans. Although I remember you said that it is a good decision and you can come back whenever you feel like, but to be honest you’ve always said things of that sort, hiding underneath the undertones of skepticism which always showed in the aftermaths of my decisions. Well thinking about it titillates me and I laugh sometimes, even now it made me smile. I don’t know why, but like many other people in my life, actually everybody who is close to me, you too fear me Ashu! Hahaha! When I come to think of it, I’m not able to discern the reason behind it and I’ve to sincerely admit that reason lies somewhere deep within me. But I don’t think it is important to go into that reason ever, as it is it has never held me or anyone else back to uphold the emotions we feel for each other. If at all you allow me to say, it has developed a sense of definite personality in me where I feel respected. Of course for others it can easily be perceived as a disenchanting ego, yet innate nature of myself which can be forgiven. Well I thank you and everybody else to give me this latitude where I can share and do what I want without any resistance (of course what falls into the general category of advantage and interest). And not lately I told you I want to write! Well I am, reading and writing voraciously, slightly slow on the latter but it is picking up. You yourself are a writer ashu, and I can very well imagine the thrill you must be getting after writing something, and I’m sure you can relate when I say it gives me immense pleasure every time I’m able to express my thoughts on paper. Since the beginning of time when I came to my senses, I remember an acute sense of proportion came all over me when I wrote what I was feeling. I imagine nothing can be more thrilling and stimulating than the feeling one gets by diving into the sea of thoughts and bringing beautiful words on surface. It is sublime! Writing and acting on stage or in celluloid share that ingenuity that has and will forever excite and cultivate everybody irrespective of their innate credibilities. So, never I meant when I proclaimed my decision, that I’m no more pursuing to be an actor/performer. Which brings me back to the mysterious nuances of life and our volatile quality to flow with it. Of course reason, logic and pragmatic approach is an integral part of survival. However, every individuals perspective may differ and it does fortunately and that is indispensable, don’t you think? or what existence may we behold other than being a species? My approach may seem to falter from the path I chose but it possibly doesn’t take away what I have always loved and I passionately desire to do. So I want my vigour and fervid desire to sheath your trust and outlook towards me, which seems to me has been withering away. May our inner passion soon drives us together in the near future and we sit across each other discussing the prospects that lie ahead, I wish that sincerely. Take any example and tell me is not what I say is true, that careers have been driven by mutual respect and understanding between few friends (in entirety of the word)? Isn’t favour befallen upon those who are nearest and deserving (in entirety of the word)? I sit here calm, composed and yet driven silently by a gigantic force that replenishes me again with a sense of proportion and I seek a way. I seek you and I hope you’ll seek me when time comes!
Yours sincerely forever
June 18th, 2015